The Shadows of Loss
by Tyrunner
Summary: He is gone from their lives, and all that's left is the pain and grief in their hearts. A sad sequel of ME3; an alternative of my other story For What We Hope.


**The Darkness of Grief**

It came gliding in, with almost no effort as the ship slowed to an almost complete stop as the docking arm came out and extended to the ship, locking in place. From the terminal room that connected to the other end of the docking arm, blue eyes, starting to mist, watched with shaking anticipation as the Normandy settled at the port of Nos Astra, on Illium.

Miranda had been waiting for the _Normandy_'s arrival. She had managed to reach Illium just hours before the Normandy did, and part of her was worried. No, that was too soft a word for her. Dreading, that sounded more suitable for her situation. She dreaded to hear what she was already fearing, and given that it had been almost a week since the defeat of the Reapers, with no word at all…She had a feeling that any news she was going to be given was not going to be good, but against her better judgment, she still hoped.

"Hope is an illusion," that was what someone told her years ago, when she was a young, budding operative in Cerberus. She had always thought it was a bit cynical to think in such a way, but here she was, hoping against hope that somehow, someway…he was still alive.

She was arguing with herself about how she was basing her opinions and also her heart on hope. It went against her logic and thinking in every way that she had been familiar with. She has to know it was useless to hope. She had tried to brace for this, when she last spoke with him.

…_I wanted to say goodbye_.

_Don't say goodbye_…

The tears started to build again as she reheard his words again, almost like he was actually there speaking them into her ear again. If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel him; that he was going to be there with her. His strong arms around her, his natural masculine scent, his warm breath on her ear or her neck, as sensitive as it would make her, would also have her as secure and safe as she could ever feel. She shook her head, grimacing and feeling the tears growing in her eyes. She was trying to hope, yet she dreaded that it was something she feared so much…

"Miranda? They're here." The soft voice just off to her right made her raise her head, her arms tightly around herself as if trying to shield herself from what she felt was going to be the inevitable. She let out a shaking breath as she watched the crew of the _Normandy_ slowly file off the ship.

The looks on their faces didn't help to sway Miranda's emotions. It almost seemed like every crew member had the same somber stare as they walked past, not acknowledging anyone that was there to witness their arrival. The "1,000-yard stare" was prevalent on every face that walked by, like the war's strain had finally taken their toll. It was first regular crew members that walked by, though she recognized two from the mission against the Collectors, Kenneth Donnelly and Gabby Daniels. Kenneth had his arm around Gabby's shoulders and she leaned in to him, their faces not showing anything different than what Miranda had seen.

As others walked off, Miranda recognized more and more faces. She saw Dr. Chakwas walking off, though the look on her face was one of collected control. She was the first to notice Miranda, giving a light smile and nod as she walked by. Given what she had gone through and how she had seen and dealt with so much through her years, it should've been no surprise that Chakwas would be the most able of the group, though her eyes still showed soberness, which didn't help to ease Miranda's worries.

Then, more of the crew members that Miranda recognized came out, and their expressions were no different as they walked past her, barely giving Miranda any recognition at all. Tali had her arms around Garrus, his own arm around her shoulders, followed by Lt. James Vega and Lt. Commander Ashley Williams, both just walking by, their eyes staring forward. As Williams walked by, Miranda saw red in her eyes, like she had not slept, but also, as if she had been crying. Miranda could almost feel the emotion growing inside her, like the facial expressions did nothing to help her feel any better. She knew how close Ashley had been with…she couldn't bring herself to say his name. She knew if it came to mind, it could overflow everything that she was trying to hold back, though holding it was no better for her.

The last group to come out were the pilot, Joker, who limped out while being helped by the _Normandy_'s AI, EDI, who was now in a robotic body that she was able to take control of, making her a more visible member of the crew and the ship. EDI was the only one to notice and speak to Miranda, addressing her as "Operative Lawson," even though Miranda was no longer a part of Cerberus, which was now, for all intents and purposes, ceasing to exist. Joker barely could nod as she could see his face contorted, and Miranda felt like what she saw on his face reflected how she was feeling. Then, the last person came off the ship.

It was Liara T'Soni, and as she slowly walked out of the docking arm, she held something in her arms, something that Miranda at first couldn't recognize, and as the asari walked to her direction, everything seemed to start to become a swirling blur in her mind and eyes, as her tears started to shimmer even more. She had the feeling grow. She had to know, even though she hoped…

"Ms. Lawson…I'm so sorry…"

Liara's voice broke through the turmoil inside her, causing Miranda to blink, which made her pent up tears start to flow down her cheeks, as long streaks that shined, which was a direct contrast to the darkness that was now starting to come forward. As Miranda looked down, she saw that she had taken what Liara had had in her arms.

It was Shepard's N7 jacket. He had always worn it when he was off the _Normandy_, when not in uniform. The heaviness of the leather almost seemed to drag her down as her left hand reached to gently touch the monogrammed logo. Her body was shaking now, as was her soft breathing. She was barely able to summon the strength to lift the neatly folded jacket, to bring her face to it. As she inhaled, she could smell him through the secondary scent of tanned leather. It was then it all came to a head for her. The realization and the sober truth.

He was gone. He was not coming back to her. Shepard…was dead.

That finally broke her. The sobs started as soft, whimpering cries, but as Miranda felt Oriana's hands on her, pulling her head to her twin sister's chest, it grew. Her eyes screwed tightly shut as the crying grew in sound, her anguish finally pouring out as she began to mourn the loss of the man she loved so dearly. Her mouth was open, contorting in an expression of profound grief that any person of any species could identify.

Oriana's eyes also poured tears, in sadness for her sister in experiencing such a terrible loss, one that made her wonder, as strong as Miranda had always been, if she could ever become even the slightest resemblance of her old self. As she looked up briefly, Oriana could see the asari that had been Shepard's most dear friend also shedding tears as her hand gently went to Miranda's shoulder, gently stroking it as the older Lawson's crying became the only noticeable sound in the room. There was no light to be seen by them. There never could be, it seemed.

All there was now, was darkness, death, loss…

* * *

><p><em>Hello everyone! As part of my month-long sabbatical from my other story, <em>For What We Hope_, here's one of my planned projects coming to the forefront. It's part of a three-way story series that I had been planning for quite some time. I'm not going to include details right now, but it's going to be a tie-in to _FWWH_, as well as my other planned Miranda fic, _Follow the Lies_._

_This story is going to be one of sadness, grief, and trying to move on, and also, it's going to be a LOT shorter than the other stories I'm going to write, as in it will be, at the most, 7 chapters, if it even gets that far. This one, I'm going to try to enjoy doing more, though it will also, in a way, be therapeutic for me. _

_I recently have lost my girlfriend (actually, I've not heard from her in almost a year, and now that her cell-phone number is now somebody else's, I have to finally move on, as hard as it is for me.), and this seemed like a good time to let this out of me. So, in a way, Miranda's grief is partly my own. I've also taken the many different levels of grief that I have experienced in losing people close to me. I've lost an uncle, a good friend, two of my favorite teachers, and, the worst grief of all, my father. If the feelings seem to be so real, it's because I'm recollecting the feelings that I felt and experienced during those dark, sad times._

_Oh, and this was written while listening to "Farewell and Into the Inevitable" from the ME3: Citadel soundtrack, to try to further add to the feels of this chapter. If you want to, listen to it while reading this chapter, and I'm sure the tears will be there for you as it was for me._

_With that, enjoy, and Keep Readin' and Writin'!_

_Oh, and be sure to follow my Facebook page, Tyrunner Mass Effect FanFics!_


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